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Tempest Chronicles Day 5
The mockingbird this morning sounds very much like crickets, and crickets while the sun is up is rather unsettling to say the least.
The stairs up one side of the rusty rainbow number 44, which means there are 88. One of the various things I’ve been told by my computer is that I need to read old people health tips of which one is that since I’m definitely old and I probably avoid things that might make me fall, my core is getting super weak and before I know it, I will be just shuffling my feet. My soles probably never leave the floor and my inside is as soft as an ice cream sandwich which I shouldn’t eat because I will die of high blood sugar, but if I don’t eat it then I am denying myself joy and that of course will kill me also, but only if I’m lonely and still drinking alcohol.
I am happy to report that I made it all the way up and over WITHOUT using handrails. I didn’t have to lean on Edgar and I didn’t have to stop halfway through, so maybe if I keep my mouth shut and don’t provoke any passing strangers, I won’t die today.
I have also been told that the most likely time to die of a heart attack is before lunch and that if I DO die of a heart attack it will be because I didn’t get one of these 11 vital tests done that every doctor always misses because they never learned about them in medical school but “Candy Squat” on something called Heart and Sole knows about them and if I just pay to subscribe she will tell me the secrets of coronary and podiatric maintenance.
It seems there is also a hidden reason that I’m always cold (I’m not, but the computer says I am) and If I do a walking test it will be revealed if I’m walking intensely enough. I’m pretty sure I’m not because Ed needs every blade of grass to be touched by his nose and if a lizard scampers by, that’s a whole 5 minutes.
After I exercise, I need to know my heart “recovery” rate which will asses my risk. As if that wasn’t enough, my reaction speed needs to be measured to determine if I will fall if a sasquatch suddenly springs up out of the Egyptian lilies. Just a 30 second stepping test will reveal that.
Oh yeah……after 60 my thirst stops being a reliable signal and by the time I feel like I need a drink, all of the above, reaction time, balance, and physical function may already be affected. And for God’s sake, EAT MORE PROTEIN AT THE RIGHT TIME OF DAY……IDIOT!!
I feel like I’m standing at the end of a wind tunnel and someone dumped a warehouse sized tractor trailer of elephant shit at the other end and my feet have been attached to the floor.
Anybody else???????
Vitals: 84 degrees with 70% humidity and a 10 MPH wind under cloudy skies are making me feel like I do when I see an obituary for the customer who empties the parmesan cheese container into his palm and eats it like a lemur with a sweet potato.
4 Days down
179 to go……………